March 9, 2009

so lately i've been toying with the idea of going back to school. i don't know what i want to 'be' when i 'grow up' but i'm starting to feel like going back to school might not be such a horrible idea (maybe not really soon, but soon enough) anyway, while perusing through courses for fleming, i came across these ones...(note: these can't be serious!)
- blogging for beginners
- browsing the internet
- communicating at work
- dealing with difficult people
- ebay (part one, two and three)
- edible wilds (plants, that is)
- how to be a happy camper
oh pwef. after reading further, i learned that these are not full-time student courses just small courses that range from 5-15 hours. on another note, i didn't find anything that interested me...(sigh)

i find it so hard to believe that everyone who is currently furthering their education, whether at university or college truly knows what they want to do with the rest of their lives and with that degree that they'll recieve. it's such a hard quest. i mean, from grade one, i remember being asked "what do you want to be when you grow up?" and i also remember thinking (from grade one, til first year at brock) "i want to be a teacher" well, if you've had that mind set for over a decade, when you realize that that's not what you want to do, it's a bit of a harsh reality check and it's something that i'm still dealing with everyday. not knowing what you want to become out of life is really hard especially for someone who is extremely passionate about a lot of things (just not school). it's hard to think of one thing you want to do for the rest of your life, now...i know most people these days don't stay in just one career for the rest of their life but even just chosing something that i want to be doing right now, is proving to be really hard for me. i don't want to have a job just to pay the bills...that's not me.

i almost dread running into someone i haven't seen in a long time and getting the "so what have you been up to?" question because since high school, i haven't really done anything overly exceptional to be proud of or want to talk about. my answer would go a little something like this "well i went to brock for two years...was taking general studies but dropped out once i realized i was wasting time & money as i wasn't passionate about any of my classes, lived at home for a year and worked at urban planet, then i moved to peterborough almost a year ago and now i'm working at a call center" ...i think i'd rather lie. i also find myself saying "i'm going to go back to school...i just haven't found what i want to go back for yet" i'm trying to prove to them that i'm not a complete i have to prove something to them at all...why do i care? i shouldn't.

& i know, i know...i'm only 23...but at this point in my life i thought i'd be doing something that would at least have me on the track to doing something better with my life, doing something more with my life. i don't feel like i'm contributing anything special to society right now, nor am i overly happy at/with my current job. now that's not to say i'm not happy otherwise. since meeting mikey i've been happier then i've ever been (& people have noticed) he's definitely the best thing to happen to me and i'm so incredibly happy that we're together...but that only accounts for one aspect of my life. is it greedy to want both? a good job, that i can be remotely proud of AND a wonderful boyfriend. i think i deserve that much. i remember once i realized that i didn't think i should be going to brock anymore, i was absolutely terrified to tell my family & my gramma (who were paying for my education) as i felt that i had failed them. i had, but i had also failed myself. i don't regret dropping out because i wasn't there for the right reasons (i had met some amazing people and didn't care for the school aspect as much as the social) and i knew that wasn't right to stay unless i was staying for the education...however, somedays i still feel like a 'drop out' and a disappointment.[side note: my parents & gramma were both incredibly understanding]

i don't really know what i'm getting at here. it's something that's been weighing on my shoulders for quite some time (and probably will continue to)...i guess what i'm trying to get at is, i want to DO something...something more with my life; i don't know what that something is just yet, but i hope that i find it really really soon.

on a happier note: i put on a pair of shorts today (from last year) obviously over tights, it's not THAT warm out...and realized they were way too big for me. hurray! something good came out of today.