September 14, 2013

( getting real )

lately i have had a heavy heart, a heavy mind, a heavy disposition - i just haven't felt like myself. i absolutely know that this has something, if not everything, to do with my gramma who passed away about 4 weeks ago. growing up i had 3 grandparents (2 on my mums side & 1 [gramma] on my dads) i have fond memories of both sides as they were all very much a part of mine & kyles lives. we always looked forward to sleepovers at our grandparents grandpa was offbeat & filled with british humor, my gramma was one of the sweetest people in the world & we enjoyed spending time with them. my other gramma is still very much alive & as much a part of our lives as ever. the older i got, the more & more i realized how special it was to have my grandparents in my life as most of my friends grandparents either weren't alive, didn't live close by or were estranged for whatever reason.
my grandpa passed away 4 years ago now, he had dementia & times weren't the easiest before he passed away. my gramma on the other hand, though couldn't remember what she ate for lunch [does that really matter anyway!] never forgot who we were, always told us how much she loved us & appreciated us, her family & was sweet as can be until the day that she had a stroke that she never woke up from. the morning she died there was a full moon the evening before & we all took comfort in knowing that it was a great time to leave this earth. i've never been much of a believer. i don't necessarily believe in god, but i wouldn't say that i'm an atheist either. i'd like to believe we go somewhere when we die, i just don't really know where that is, and if i ever really will know & that's okay. 

grief is a weird thing though & it has struck me at very random times. it has left me sad & feeling strange for weeks now but i have found comfort in small things, calling my parents just to cry, speaking with my brother & having him check in on me to see how i'm doing, having mikey hold me as i bawl like a baby...i am so thankful for my family, man i can't even put into words how incredibly thankful & lucky i feel to have the family that i do. hold your family close you guys...i know that most families aren't perfect & by no way am i saying mine is, but life is too short to not appreciate the people in your life & tell them how much you love them. 

if you do one thing today, call your grandparents. call your parents. call your siblings, just to tell them you love them & appreciate them. we're all really lucky, in lots of different ways, sometimes you just have to focus on that & only that.

i've also been listening to this song on repeat for about  a week has nothing to do with anything, but sometimes songs just speak to you in the right way, at the right time & are exactly what you need to hear...